If you haven’t already noticed, we like our money. Odds are, you do too. And if you don’t, shoot me an email and I’ll be happy to give you a mailing address so that we can find your unliked money a new home.
I’ve done a lot of interesting things to earn money (posts forthcoming), and I’m willing to consider almost anything. But like Meatloaf sang, with minor tweaking, “I would do anything for [money], but I won’t do that.”
So without further ado, here’s a list of things you couldn’t pay us between $100 and $1,000,000 to do:
$100 — Eat a habanero pepper — There is nothing worse to me than overly spicy food. A habanero pepper is taking it to the extreme, but it’d take at least $100 for me to eat anything that’s got a kick to it. Thankfully I don’t have any Mexican heritage that I’m shaming by making this statement.
$1,000 — Read Fifty Shades of Grey — Put simply, I don’t understand the appeal of this book. And I’m kind of disturbed by its popularity. Call me juvenile, but I’ll stick to my YA fiction, folks!
$10,000 — Shoot an animal — I’m a red meat girl, and I’m glad we’ve got people in our world who love hunting. But I just can’t do it. Let’s hope we never have to go back to hunter-gatherer living conditions because all I’d have are nuts and berries.
$100,000 — Test out roller coasters — Fun fact: I’m extremely prone to motion sickness. Theme parks are off limits for me. I take medication on flights and boats, but no amount of meds can help me on roller coasters. Poor Johnny has unfortunately been witness to my throwing up on many occasions during our marriage. No need to expound further!
$1,000,000 — Be separated from Johnny for a year — Maybe it sounds silly, but I can’t even imagine being away from Johnny for more than a week. I am amazed by couples who can maintain long-distance relationships, especially military couples. The first time Johnny and I were apart for even a few days, I cried like a baby all the way to and from the airport.
$100 — Teach my grandma how to use a computer — I love my grandma. She’s a wonderful, fantastic woman. She’s also beyond computer illiterate. While we were living with her for a summer, she assumed that our laptops were merely glorified typewriters for scribing books. So every time she saw us sitting with our respective laptops on the couch, she would ask how our novels were coming.
$1,000 — Spend a day with Ryan Lochte — There are a lot of tools in the world. But the gold medal definitely belongs to Mr. Ryan Lochte. There’s more to the arrogant swimmer than wearing stupid looking grills and embarrassing all Americans in the process. Like his unbelievable intellect. For whatever reason, I can’t stand this guy. And I still couldn’t even with money on the line.
$10,000 — Be a NYC mover for a week — My lifespan is at least two or three years shorter after having done all of our moving into and out of New York City and Boston by ourselves with a U-Haul truck. Parking tickets, accidents, low clearances, traffic, no parking. I’m almost positive this is what Dante’s fifth circle of hell is like. I pity those brave men and women movers of the city.
$100,000 — Spend a night on a raft in the middle of the ocean — For me, vacation ain’t vacation unless there’s a beach. The ocean’s an awesome, beautiful, majestic force of nature during the day. The nighttime is a different story. I can’t give you a rational reason why, but it scares the crap out of me at night. It’s big and endless and pitch black. Which is why you won’t find me there for six figures.
$1,000,000 — Climb an antenna tower — First, watch this. After you’ve wiped your sweaty palms down with a towel, write a letter to your 9-5 boss and tell him how grateful you are for your boring, safe desk job.
You probably read one or two or ten of these and scoffed at our lameness. That’s cool. But where’s your threshold? How would you complete this sentence: “You couldn’t pay me $___ to [insert disgusting, terrifying, or embarrassing thing here].”