You Couldn’t Pay Me $$$ to ____

You Couldn't Pay Me

If you haven’t already noticed, we like our money. Odds are, you do too. And if you don’t, shoot me an email and I’ll be happy to give you a mailing address so that we can find your unliked money a new home.

I’ve done a lot of interesting things to earn money (posts forthcoming), and I’m willing to consider almost anything. But like Meatloaf sang, with minor tweaking, “I would do anything for [money], but I won’t do that.”

So without further ado, here’s a list of things you couldn’t pay us between $100 and $1,000,000 to do:

Joanna’s List

$100Eat a habanero pepper — There is nothing worse to me than overly spicy food. A habanero pepper is taking it to the extreme, but it’d take at least $100 for me to eat anything that’s got a kick to it. Thankfully I don’t have any Mexican heritage that I’m shaming by making this statement.
$1,000Read Fifty Shades of Grey — Put simply, I don’t understand the appeal of this book. And I’m kind of disturbed by its popularity. Call me juvenile, but I’ll stick to my YA fiction, folks!
$10,000Shoot an animal — I’m a red meat girl, and I’m glad we’ve got people in our world who love hunting. But I just can’t do it. Let’s hope we never have to go back to hunter-gatherer living conditions because all I’d have are nuts and berries.
$100,000Test out roller coasters — Fun fact: I’m extremely prone to motion sickness. Theme parks are off limits for me. I take medication on flights and boats, but no amount of meds can help me on roller coasters. Poor Johnny has unfortunately been witness to my throwing up on many occasions during our marriage. No need to expound further!
$1,000,000Be separated from Johnny for a year — Maybe it sounds silly, but I can’t even imagine being away from Johnny for more than a week. I am amazed by couples who can maintain long-distance relationships, especially military couples. The first time Johnny and I were apart for even a few days, I cried like a baby all the way to and from the airport.

Johnny’s List

$100Teach my grandma how to use a computer — I love my grandma. She’s a wonderful, fantastic woman. She’s also beyond computer illiterate. While we were living with her for a summer, she assumed that our laptops were merely glorified typewriters for scribing books. So every time she saw us sitting with our respective laptops on the couch, she would ask how our novels were coming. 🙂
$1,000Spend a day with Ryan Lochte — There are a lot of tools in the world. But the gold medal definitely belongs to Mr. Ryan Lochte. There’s more to the arrogant swimmer than wearing stupid looking grills and embarrassing all Americans in the process. Like his unbelievable intellect. For whatever reason, I can’t stand this guy. And I still couldn’t even with money on the line.
$10,000Be a NYC mover for a week — My lifespan is at least two or three years shorter after having done all of our moving into and out of New York City and Boston by ourselves with a U-Haul truck. Parking tickets, accidents, low clearances, traffic, no parking. I’m almost positive this is what Dante’s fifth circle of hell is like. I pity those brave men and women movers of the city.
$100,000Spend a night on a raft in the middle of the ocean — For me, vacation ain’t vacation unless there’s a beach. The ocean’s an awesome, beautiful, majestic force of nature during the day. The nighttime is a different story. I can’t give you a rational reason why, but it scares the crap out of me at night. It’s big and endless and pitch black. Which is why you won’t find me there for six figures.
$1,000,000Climb an antenna tower — First, watch this. After you’ve wiped your sweaty palms down with a towel, write a letter to your 9-5 boss and tell him how grateful you are for your boring, safe desk job.

You probably read one or two or ten of these and scoffed at our lameness. That’s cool. But where’s your threshold? How would you complete this sentence: “You couldn’t pay me $___ to [insert disgusting, terrifying, or embarrassing thing here].”

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  • Reply Glen @ Monster Piggy Bank January 21, 2013 at 7:10 am

    I love this post! Although I am growing a habanero bush in my veggie garden at the moment. They are very hot, but sooooo good if you like hot food.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 4:41 pm

      I will forgive you for liking habanero peppers only because I think it’s awesome that you’re growing them yourself! Johnny and I were just saying yesterday how much we’d like to have a garden.

  • Reply Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies January 21, 2013 at 7:56 am

    There are 6 states in our fine union that no amount of money would convince me to live in.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 4:44 pm

      Haha! I don’t know your reasons, but Johnny and I are warm weather people, and it’d take a very awesome job offer for us to move to some of our cold-weather states.

  • Reply Michelle January 21, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Haha I love your guys’ lists. Interesting 🙂 I’ve never read 50 shades of grey, and I don’t think I want to!

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 4:50 pm

      It’s funny because for how popular the book is, I don’t actually know anyone personally who’s read it!

  • Reply Emily-Jane @ Not A House, But A Home January 21, 2013 at 8:33 am

    You couldn’t pay me ANY amount of money to catch giant Australian spiders like this or this Seeing things like this… ugh! There are no words

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 4:51 pm

      Amen on the spider hate. If I see even one spider in our townhouse, our landlord gets an email about it! 🙂

  • Reply Sarah @ Pretty Providence January 21, 2013 at 10:05 am

    I agree with you on fifty shades and shooting an animal. Unless it was attacking me. Also you could not pay me to clean chewed up gum off a table, floor, etc. Chewed up gum makes me sick every time I see it. So gross!

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 4:57 pm

      I agree… very gross! Do you have to shield your eyes during the scene from Elf where Buddy eats all that chewed up gum? 😉

      • Reply Sarah @ Pretty Providence January 22, 2013 at 11:30 am

        Yes, oh my the first time I saw that movie I almost lost my popcorn. I love that movie but that part is the worst!

  • Reply DC @ Young Adult Money January 21, 2013 at 10:16 am

    HELL NO would I climb that antenna tower! Absolutely not! Oh man…what a video. Those guys are insane.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 5:53 pm

      Yeah, I agree with Johnny on that one. If I had had a 10 million dollar category, that would have been it!

  • Reply Catherine January 21, 2013 at 10:27 am

    I agree with you Joanna, it sort of makes me sad that such a book is a huge as it is. I’m totally naive. I had NO idea what it was until hubby asked me if I’d ever read it, he had to tell me what it was haha. I agree with the height thing, I have a total irrational fear of heights so I couldn’t do anything that involved it. I also couldn’t eat anything disgusting like a cooked chicken fetus. and for all the money in the world I could never choose between my husband or daughter in a God forbidden situation.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:02 pm

      Given the popularity of the book, I’m shocked to hear how many like-minded women don’t care to ever read it! Good to know I’m not alone on that one.

  • Reply Jacob @ iHeartBudgets January 21, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Wow. Ridiculous video. I HATE unsecured heights, and these guys are just plain nuts. Heck, I have still have my top of of Christmas light on the house because of my steep roof and 18′ gutters.

    Yes. I know. I will take them down soon. Otherwise we’ll have to start parking broken trucks in our front lawn and drinking a lot of bud light while watching cars turn left for hours on end…

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:08 pm

      Haha, it’s still only January so you’re forgiven. Once the first day of spring hits, though, you’re in dangerous territory! Cars from the junkyard will just begin materializing in your yard. 🙂

  • Reply Grayson @ Debt Roundup January 21, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Another enjoyable post. You couldn’t pay me $1,000,000 to sit in tank of snakes. I would go into a massive killing spree if that happened.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:15 pm

      Are you talking about attacking with your bare hands, or would you be equipped with a machete of sorts? Hopefully all snakes have been put on notice to steer clear of Grayson! 🙂

  • Reply Holly@ClubThrifty January 21, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I don’t want to read 50 shades of grey either. I don’t get it. Maybe I am missing something???

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:21 pm

      I don’t think we’re missing anything! Or at least I’ll keep telling myself that.

  • Reply TeacHer January 21, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to own a gun. It’s just not for me.

    On a lighter note, it would take a VERY LARGE sum of money – at least $10,000 – to participate in any kind of athletic event. Like a marathon or tough mudder or any of those wacky events. Exercise competitions seem like possibly the least fun thing on earth to me.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:31 pm

      It’s pretty funny to think that exercise competitions can charge people pretty large sums of money for what some of us deem torturous events! I’m actually hoping to run a 10k this summer, and I think the hardest part will be PAYING to participate in something that will take so much work. 🙂

  • Reply Jrm January 21, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Agree with 50 Shades of Gray. I hate baked and deli ham. Long story but yeah. $100,000 to be a person who has to deal with roaches. Eeek, no thanks.

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:46 pm

      We’re on the same page, Jrm. I’m okay with deli meats as long as they’re actually from a deli. For some reason I can’t handle prepackaged sandwich meat from the grocery.

      And I COMPLETELY agree with the roach thing. Living in roach-infested NYC really creeped me out.

  • Reply Rob January 21, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Since we live here in Toronto Canada, you couldn’t pay me $1 gazillion to take the CN Tower EdgeWalk – see for yourself:

    Not that I’m afraid of heights, you understand … 🙂

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:50 pm

      Oh my goodness! Johnny and I just watched a video of it on YouTube and our palms were sweating just seeing other people in that situation. If we ever visit Toronto, that WON’T be on our list of to-do’s!!

      • Reply Rob January 21, 2013 at 8:05 pm

        Yeah, I can relate to your feelings, Joanna. But don’t be surprised if “Baby Girl” might try it some day when she grows up. Youth all seem to feel that they are indestructible.

        Case in point – a few years back, the daughter of one of our neighbours did the EdgeWalk thing with one of her girlfriends. As well, prior to that, when he was in his early 20’s, our son did both bungi jumping as well as sky diving (both of which he only told his mom and me after the fact).

        See what fun you’re going to have raising your family !!! 🙂

  • Reply Sara January 21, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Oh.My.God. That antenna tower video was intense, I don’t think I could do that for a million dollars either.

    I’m a teacher and even though most teachers could make more money by being a principal or other type of admin – around six figures here in the bigger districts of St. Louis…I would never in a million years be one. They have to deal with stuff I would never even dream of, budgets, parents, sexting – no thank you!

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 6:53 pm

      All you need to say is “parents” and “sexting” for me to wholeheartedly agree. I’d be perfectly content to take a pay cut to not have to deal with either of those things!!

    • Reply TeacHer January 21, 2013 at 9:21 pm

      Agree! Totally agree. I could NEVER be an administrator. That’s a really good one that I didn’t think of.

  • Reply Chris January 21, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    Good lord that’s a tall tower. I’m not sure what I wouldn’t do for cash. It would take well over $1,000,000 to get me to live in NYC. I don’t understand why people want to be so close together!

    • Reply Joanna January 21, 2013 at 7:12 pm

      Good thinking on the NYC thing… it takes being a millionaire to be able to live in that city comfortably! Johnny and I loved our time there, but the only way we could live there forever is if we were making bank!

  • Reply Brick By Brick Investing | Marvin January 21, 2013 at 8:05 pm


    My wife couldn’t get past the first chapter of 50 Shades of Grey, she said it was written so horribly it made her angry (btw my wife is the sweetest person you could ever meet). I’ve spent about 2.5 years away deployed and my wife absolutely hated it. I believe military couples only do it because they have to, I’ve been offered numerous high paying jobs overseas, the type of salary that could change our financial situation drastically in a year. To be honest I’ve considered but my wife won’t even talk about it.

    You couldn’t pay me enough money to teach my mom how to text. I’ve tried multiple times and failed miserably. I can’t even swim so you couldn’t pay me enough to go to my local community pool let alone out into the ocean!

    • Reply Johnny January 22, 2013 at 5:45 pm

      I think you’re right about the military couples. Most don’t have a choice. And many make the decision to enlist long before a spouse was in the picture. Tough situation all around. Thanks for serving.

      Some of my most cherished saved texts are from my dad. I’d be surprised if a cryptologist could decipher what he was trying to say.

  • Reply Brad @ Mr. Write Away January 22, 2013 at 11:00 am

    The tower climbing video made me a nervous wreck so thanks for sharing that… talk about anxiety. I love this feature, by the way, and agree 100% about Ryan Lochte. Maybe he should take up tower climbing as a hobby.

    • Reply Johnny January 22, 2013 at 5:47 pm

      Hahaha. I’ll see if I can find an email address for him and forward it along.

      I get the same sick-to-my-stomach rush every time I rewatch that video. It’s an unhealthy addiction.

  • Reply Budget and the Beach January 22, 2013 at 11:54 am

    I would love to be a roller coaster tester! That would be awesome. I agree about Ryan. He does seem like a tool. You couldn’t pay me any amount to clean a port-o-john. I would vomit for sure. And I’ve seen that tower video before. I have no idea what they are making, but there is no money in the world…

    • Reply Johnny January 22, 2013 at 5:51 pm

      I’m with you. I LOVE roller coasters. Hopefully our little girl didn’t get her mom’s genes so that I can have a roller coaster partner again.

      Good call on the porta potty. The poor soul who has that job…

  • Reply Eric January 22, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    For that kind of money I would do anything on the list (other than teach a grandma how to use a computer for $100, hourly rate is too low). I used to be a rock climbing instructor, so I would totally climb high for $1 million.

    • Reply Johnny January 22, 2013 at 5:53 pm

      Hah. I used to love rock climbing, but I think a fear of heights has crept in as I’ve aged. I think I could still handle rope climbing pretty high. But that dude is FREE CLIMBING! On a pole! With a 30lb. bag hanging from his belt!

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  • Reply Gillian December 3, 2014 at 5:30 am

    I just found your site & have really enjoyed looking through everything, but I could not even watch that whole tower video! Totally freaked me out!

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